Unique Challenges for the Aspie Woman, Part 2: Functioning in a Love Relationship

I consult the dictionary of human behavior every day.
I had to load it into my brain and make it learn
that you open doors with hello and
that you close them with goodbye. I had to learn
the mechanics of when to smile, when to laugh.
(From my poem, “You Don’t See It”)

As a woman, I have been aware (painfully at times) of the expectations that Western society and culture has placed upon us, both past and present. I mentioned some of these expectations in my last post when I talked about Aspie women and our unique challenges navigating the social matrix. Some of those expectations are also applied, along with a few others, to women in the realm of romantic relationships. This week,I will discuss those expectations and the challenges that Aspie women might have meeting them when involved in a close relationship.

Please keep in mind that I am speaking from my own experiences with relationships with men. I will try my best to address this subject across the continuum of sexual orientation, but please keep in mind that your mileage may vary – you know best your own history, challenges, and what you have undergone as an Aspie woman.

All’s Fair in Love? Our Challenges

Anticipating the Needs of Our Partners

I have been alive almost 34 years. In that time, I’ve observed that the biggest cited expectation of women is the ability to anticipate the needs of other people. This comes into play in all of our relationships – with friends, family members, partners, and children. Here is where we enter the realms of empathy and theory of mind difficulties.

It would seem to me that in order to anticipate the needs of others, one must have empathy. I maintain that Aspies and other people on the autism spectrum do not lack empathy. However, that does not mean that we don’t have challenges in this area. I proposed in a previous post that our difficulties may arise from a few different factors:

  • difficulty with reading facial expressions and body language,
  • having too much empathy to the point of being overwhelmed by the emotions of others, and
  • not knowing how to express our empathy and care for others.

How might this work out in a relationship? In a variety of ways. First of all, how do we know what our partner wants or needs if we can’t understand his or her facial expressions or tone of voice? Liane Holliday Willey gives a great example of this with her husband Tom in her book Pretending to Be Normal:

“For example, if Tom were to tell me he was disappointed he had missed me at lunch, I would wonder if he meant to say that he was sad…unhappy…disheartened…mad…angry…furious…or none of the above. In order for me to really understand what people are saying I need much more than a few words mechanically placed together.”

Along that line of thinking, my fiance has made a wonderful illustration of how tone of voice can change the entire meaning of a sentence. Look at the difference between which words are stressed in each of the following sentences, which are all identical:

I’ll see you tomorrow.
I’ll see you tomorrow!
I’ll see you tomorrow.

If one were to hear each of those sentences out loud, one might possibly infer that the first may have been said in a suggestive tone, the second sentence in an angry tone, and the third in a general tone. But if someone cannot distinguish tone of voice and understand how it adds to the whole message, all three sentences might sound the same.

So it is with trying to decode unsaid meaning between two people in a romantic relationship. If I miss the tone of voice in which my fiance says, “So, what do you want to do tonight?” I then might totally miss his intent for a romantic evening and suggest a night of board games instead. But I will say that I have learned about tone of voice and facial expressions over the years through various means – a) my experience with performing (through oral interpretation and performing my poetry), b) extensive reading (I’ve learned to pair up various authors’ descriptions of facial expressions and tone of voice with real life expression through reading lots of fiction, non-fiction, and poetry), c) through watching actors in television, live theater, and movies, and d) firing questions at my fiance (with whom I have been for almost ten years) trying to figure out what someone is doing and why. You could compare me to Cmdr. Data from the Star Trek: The Next Generation series: observing, reading, studying, synthesizing, and extrapolating to understand the social dimension and how it all works. Basically, for me, a good percentage of trying to understand is done through mental work – searches in my mental database and then comparing what I have in front of me to my search results.

Secondly, there is the issue of emotional oversensitivity. This fits in with the “intense world theory” of autism that I mentioned in my post on empathy. If someone has too much empathy or is extremely sensitive to the emotions of others, this could cause her to shut off to the point of where it is difficult – if not impossible – to sense what someone else is feeling. And by extension, this might further hamper any ability to understand what our partner might need or want from us at that moment.

I know I have shut down when I have felt emotionally overwhelmed – sometimes, it’s my nerves being jangled or a bad day or my own feelings being hurt by something else that day – and to me, it’s like shutting off an incoming sensory channel through which I sense the emotions of others. I will know deep inside that something is very wrong, but it’s like walking around while encased inside a glass box – able to see, but unable to detect what others are giving off. When I am like this, I cannot tell if my fiance needs a hug, or if he is upset at someone, or if he is tired. I can maybe decode the look on his face and tell if something is wrong, but what it is will completely escape me.

Thirdly, we might find ourselves “getting it wrong” when we try to reach out to our partners as a result of the empathy we feel. I’ve mentioned theory of mind in my post on empathy – basically, a theory of mind problem means that someone has difficulty working out how others think and feel. Because of this, it’s easy to assume that what might help and comfort us will help and comfort another person; but because we are all different – each with our own unique wants, needs, and point of view – we don’t always assume correctly. I gave an example in that post of how I alienated a high school classmate by trying to push him to talk and get whatever was bothering him off of his chest. And why did I do this? Because I that’s what I would have wanted. Another great example is anmore recent, and a frequent mistake I’ve made: sometimes, if my fiance starts to talk about a problem he is having, I will immediately try to think of a solution – and will feel bad if I can’t. I later found out that he only wanted me to listen.

What makes this more difficult is that some of our wants and needs are universal, while some of them are not. Or even if our needs are universal, how we want them met is not. For example, if a loved one dies, some of us want to cry on someone’s shoulder, some of us want to talk about our good times with that person and remember his or her memory, and some of us might choose to grieve quietly or in private. This all makes for a confusing landscape – and if we indeed have, as Maxine Aston, the author of Asperger’s in Love puts it, only “half of a toolbox”, is it any wonder we keep getting it wrong?

Sensory Issues

I’ve mentioned before that sensory issues affect many aspects of our daily lives, but it became more apparent to me as I was writing this post that they can also affect us in romantic relationships, particularly in the touch/physical intimacy dimensions.

We are all different in our ability to tolerate certain sensations. I am particularly sensitive to touch – I don’t care for light touch unless it comes from my fiance, and from anyone else it’s an unwelcome invasion. I also find that I have to sometimes prepare myself for being touched: having someone touch me before I “psyche” myself up for it is a bit unnerving. Some people may not be able to tolerate hugs – the sensation of them may be too overwhelming. Others may be able to tolerate being held, but in small doses. This, of course, affects the dimension of physical touching and the showing of affection within a couple. And it can even cross over to sex: due to sensory issues, some Aspie women may love it, and some may dislike it entirely.

One Woman’s Solution

Of course, our challenges do not mean that we cannot function in a love relationship. The only conclusion I can make is that honesty is the best way to handle these kinds of challenges, rather than to hide our difficulties, embarrassment, or shame.

I’ll quote Holliday Willey in Pretending to Be Normal again to illustrate what I mean [bold print emphasis is mine]:

“He took each admission in stride, simply nodding as I explained what I was feeling when assaulted by certain sensations…Still, I worry that I am in some way leading him to feel he is missing something in me, a certain tenderness or smoothness, a softness or a kindness…a special something that only he can define, but that I cannot discern for myself or exhibit on my own. As a sort of insurance policy, as protection from the fact that I might not be as affectionate or as pliable as he might like, I work at asking him to tell me when and if he needs more from me than he is getting from me. But because I suspect he will never burden me with the notion that I am disappointing him, I have taken it upon myself to try something that so far has managed to help me make small changes in my behavior. Like other people make lists to remind themselves to pick up milk or get the mail, I make lists that tell me how to act. On my list are things like – hold Tom’s hand for five minutes every day; squint eyes when in an overwhelming crowd; say ‘Excuse me’ instead of ‘I have to get out of here now!’; count to five before replying; hug Tom three times today. When I review my list, I remember how I need to act.”

I know I haven’t quite put this into practice myself, but asking what one’s partner needs totally makes sense to me: it will help take the guesswork out of trying to figure it out on one’s own. Of course, this requires an understanding partner who is patient and who doesn’t mind that you won’t automatically “get” what is needed and who doesn’t mind you “getting it wrong” sometimes. This, I think, also requires some give from the partner as well – if you don’t quite understand what he or she needs or if it doesn’t occur to you to ask, then he or she might need to tell you. This openness and honesty requires love, patience, commitment, and practice from both sides: the Aspie partner should not be made to feel that she is defective or that the extra help she might require to understand and fulfill her partner’s needs is burdensome, and at the same time she should not become expectant of her partner if he or she forgets or lapses into old habits.

I’m not sure what to make of Holliday Willey’s practice of making lists to remember what to do. This is where I have to say, again, that your mileage may vary. I get the impression that this is something she does to help herself and to help her reach out to her husband Tom. If implemented in the right way, it can help someone through her Aspie-related difficulties in relating to her partner. If implemented in the wrong way, it can become another ritual, set of rules, or set of inflexible commandments. It all depends on how one looks at such a thing.

I hope you enjoyed reading along with me this week. I plan to continue this journey in the next following weeks, although I’m not sure exactly sure in which direction it will take me. Please stay tuned – and in the meantime, please talk back to me. What has been your experience with romantic relationships, and how has having Asperger’s affected your relationships? Have your partners been supportive and understanding? What have you done to make it work? Hope to see you next week – same Bat time, same Bat channel. Goodbye.

Until then,

Nicole

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22 thoughts on “Unique Challenges for the Aspie Woman, Part 2: Functioning in a Love Relationship

  1. Thank u so much for this post, u sum up how i feel and yes its so hard to get it right in relationships, i struggle to make them work but never quite get it and end up single again. Yet again i recently met someone i thought liked me only to get it wrong and end up feeling foolish , i dont think i was made to be in a long term relationship. My longest being 7 yrs and im nearly 39. So i dont know if i ever will get married and have what most of my friends and work mates have. Ive learnt to live alone and enjoy my own company, which i always have since i was a young child.

    • Hi Jeni:

      Thanks for coming by and commenting, and so sorry I’m now getting around to replying! I know that relationships are a particular struggle for those of us on the spectrum, and then there’s even the issue whether one wants to be in or not. Some of us are probably ok alone, and I know society (at least Western society) tends to be very into the idea that one should be part of a couple, and if not, then one must *obviously* be unhappy…so there’s that dimension that folks on the spectrum might face too.

      There are no easy answers to any of this. I’ve been through my share of relationships, and now in hindsight, I understand how Asperger’s affected those relationships. Or even casual dating. I’m fortunate that I’ve found someone who is understanding, patient, and different like my fiance. I think that communication is a huge part of the equation that is needed, as well as understanding, but both require that the parties in question are dedicated to making the relationship work, Aspie or not.

      One of the things I told my fiance so many years ago is that I did not like to play games. I.e. whatever he wanted or if he was interested in me, or whatever I wanted — I thought that these things should be communicated clearly and that neither of us should beat around the bush. I didn’t want to guess whether he was interested in me, and get it wrong. Thankfully, that was not the case, as he is pretty straight-foward and honest. Also, I didn’t want to beat around the bush and make him guess either. I don’t work that way. I think the problem we face is that with NT’s, there’s a lot that is unsaid and I’ve observed a little guessing going on as to whether the other person is interested in them or not…and sometimes, we can be pretty bad guessers.

  2. A little OT, but just wanted to say how grateful I am to have found your blog. I was only diagnosed last year, and have been flailing about trying to work out where I fit into this whole Asperger’s/Autism thing. There’s so little about the female perspective, which seems to have some significant differences, as you say, from the white male geek stereotype. The main issue for me has been retaining faith in my creativity – I’ve got a lot of ‘oh, you’re Autistic, so you can’t read or write fiction because you don’t understand real people’ types of comments. Because my writing is the most important part of my life, this has been a huge battering of my self-image. I’m coming to grasp that so many things I’ve been told about Autism, and about me, are wrong.

    I’m working my way through your past posts – several times near to tears as they resonate with my own experiences. Hopefully I’ll be able to make some slightly more on-topic comments in future!

    • Hi Tiel:

      Thanks for coming by and commenting. I agree — there are so many misconceptions about ASD, and especially about women, and that’s the whole point of this site is to help combat some of this. I think the effect on the creativity dimension depends on the particular person, and I have seen a lot of proof of creative individuals on the spectrum that almost makes me wonder if the idea that we lack creativity isn’t a myth. History is replete with individuals in the arts who are speculated to be on the spectrum, or who were actually diagnosed, and I’ve come across so many of us with creative talents that it isn’t funny…I wonder if in twenty years it will be considered a myth and people will laugh at how ignorant this assumption was.

      I’m glad that you are coming to understand autism and challenging assumptions. Yes, being confronted with assertions that we can’t do certain things can be certainly battering to the self-esteem. And even outside of that, we can encounter a lot of people who can be cruel, either purposefully or unintentionally…but either way, it hurts. I know exactly how this feels. I grew up in a dysfunctional family between 12 and 18 years old where I nearly had my self-esteem torn to the ground. I am still trying to recover from the abuse I endured during these years, and the negative things I was told about myself that I’m slowly proving are not true. Please keep hanging in there, keep on your road of discovery, and keep creating. Don’t let anyone take this away from you.

      If you are on Facebook, you may want to check out the Artists and Autism page. Many people on the spectrum (myself included) share our visual, literary, and other forms of art there. It’s a community of creators and those who appreciate the creations. :)

      And I am touched that you find resonance with your own experiences in my writing. That is one of the goals I had for WWA…to reach out and connect. Don’t worry about being off-topic. You’re welcome anytime.

      -Nicole

  3. This is interesting. I’m a woman with Aspergers, and I have no desire for a partner, because I like my own space. I agree with what you say about empathy – and I think also, for me at least, it’s a multi-tasking thing. I can’t multitask. Considering the viewpoint of someone else means I must switch from my own viewpoint – I can’t be simultaneously aware of two viewpoints. So it’s about remembering to switch. I can do it, but I find the constant switching quite tiring. It’s the same with body language and tone of voice for me too – I can do them, but it requires switching. I focus on the words, then I switch to body language or to tone of voice. I see it as an integration difficulty.

    • Hi Capriwim:

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I’ve heard of others having similar experiences to you, and choosing not to have a partner. As I mentioned in response to Jeni, I think our culture tends to push us towards being in a couple and assumes that we aren’t happy if we aren’t in a relationship. I think we have to do whatever is best for us, whether choosing to be in a relationship or alone, and I am opposed to the idea of doing something just to fit in. It sounds to me that you have a good handle on your reasons, and your reality.

      I have a little difficultly multitasking and switching viewpoints too. My fiance and I were discussing Theory of Mind-type stuff yesterday, namely in relation to how I tend to assume that others know and understand the same things that I do. I guess I automatically assume by default that they do, and I didn’t used to do this — I would work on the exact opposite assumption and give people too much information. This has frequently been interpreted by others as me treating them like they’re stupid, which is not what I meant at all. Now I’ve swung back the other way, which has resulted in misunderstandings and arguments.

      I also do a little bit of the switching thing with tone/body language and words. I probably do it to a lesser degree but I do find myself doing it as well.

      Thank you for sharing your experiences. Please feel free to come by and comment anytime. I’d love to hear from you again.

      -Nicole

  4. Hmmm it’s interesting some aspies have trouble with touching. I never have, I think it’s because I wasn’t a cuddly baby and Mum kept hugging me constantly so I got used to it and started hugging back. Now I love hugs. I can understand aspies not wanting to be touched by strangers, like when you are a little kid and some distant relative or family friend tries to hug you and you just feel awkward.

    I am the opposite of cold and frigid when it comes to my boyfriend. I give him plenty of *ahem* physical attention because I love it. The main difficulty in our relationship is the cultural difference and language barrier. He’s Japanese and I’m white Australian. People from Western societies are hard to read when it comes to non verbal communication, but Japanese people are almost downright impossible to read. My boyfriend explodes into a rage if I can’t read what he is thinking. He calls me selfish and what not, even though he said the exact opposite of what he was feeling. I explain to him that being a Westerner and an aspie, this kind of behaviour from him is just not on. Some of the things he says in English sound so cold and mean but if they were translated in his head more clearly they probably wouldn’t be as harsh. He isn’t the stereotype of the sexist creepy Japanese guy from those World War II films, but he is relatively traditional. He won’t let me wear short dresses etc. I don’t wear them very often anyway because I sit on my arse all day playing video games which has resulted in my torso looking a reasonable weight but my legs looking like pork from the butcher. It’s hard to find an outfit to balance it out and make me look as thin as my torso rather than as chunky as my legs.

    The Japanese have a very high standard when it comes to a woman’s weight, which he also pressures me about. I have to explain that Westerners have a different bone structure. Us aspies, are usually not the athletic type so it’s difficult to lose the weight anyway. I also have psychological damage from primary school from being bad at sport. I think us aspies generally have terrible bodily coordination, except for fine motor skills like drawing.

    • Hello Monique: You bring up some really interesting points when you shared your own experiences.

      I wasn’t a cuddly baby either, but my mother didn’t push the issue. I have gotten a little more comfortable over time with being touched, but truthfully I can only stand touching that is greater than the norm — anything beyond a handshake — from my fiance, and that is because of the close relationship I have with him. The truth is, I like affection, but I’m a little limited as to who I can tolerate it from and how much. Basically, the less I know a person, the less likely I am to feel comfortable being touched by that person. I think it’s because I need time to get used to the “vibes” (for lack of a better word) from each person and anything I don’t feel terribly used to is likely to play on my nerves.

      In my case, I also have additional issues with touch. As I’ve mentioned before elsewhere on this blog, I’m a survivor of both physical and sexual abuse which I endured as a teenager. Because of this, I’m a little skittish to be touched anyway and I don’t normally seek out affection. I”m also battling PTSD, which means my old responses of fright and fear are triggered under certain circumstances — and this is also a challenge to my nerves. I have been fighting the pain and the fear for years, and I keep fighting because I want to shed this fear and I want be freer to trust as well as deal with people in the interpersonal dimension.

      Your issues with your boyfriend that you described first made me wonder, oddly enough, if he might not be an Aspie too. The reason I say this is that I remembered a passage from Asperger’s in Love which I read last year: the author shared an observation that the some of the Aspie men she’d interviewed had a very strict, almost inflexible idea of what a woman should be and look like. Of course, as you mentioned there are other possible personal prejudices as well as some inherited cultural prejudices when it comes to body size, but you get my point. However, with that being said, a relationship is give-and-take, back and forth, and part of that give-and-take involves some acceptance on the part of each partner of the “flaws” of the other. I’m not going to be Pollyanna-ish about this and suggest that love can cure everything, but love can at least help us see the flaws, know the flaws, and accept them anyway, with eyes wide open. I can’t really say any more at the risk of playing “third party syndrome” (i.e. influencing you to take any particular course of action), as you best know your own situation.

      But I do thank you for stopping by. Please feel free to do so again. And I won’t take so long to reply!

      -Nicole

  5. I feel bad for aspie wonan. Dating doesn’t seem to be in their DNA. I’m sure they want it just as much as we do but i’ve been there and I felt like I was raising my daughter instead of dating my GF. Aspies need to date Aspies. That simple.

    • Hello Jonathan: In all honesty, I’m not sure how to reply to your comment but I’ll try my best. So, here goes.

      I find your comment “dating doesn’t seem to be in their DNA” interesting. I was almost offended by the comment but I do want to give an educated, honest answer to what you say. I don’t think that dating is something that is literally in — or not — in one’s DNA but I will say this: social interaction, which is required for dating, can be a challenge for an Aspie. I know — I’ve been there and I recall my own experiences from dating (and one previous marriage). Your experiences with your particular Aspie girlfriend are a likely reflection of partially her brain wiring, how she was raised (i.e. any cultural artifacts, opinions, and or “baggage” she may have picked up from her family of origin), anything she learned (or did not learn) about social interaction, and other factors of which you may not even be aware. But this is a case of “Your Mileage May Vary” — another Aspie woman may act and behave a little differently. As we all do.

      I don’t discount the difficulties you may have had in your relationship with said woman. I, however, must partially disagree with your last statement, especially if you mean that Aspies should only date Aspies (forgive my assumption but I say this based on the tone of your comment). While it is true that Aspies are more likely to understand each other, I am hesitant to suggest that Aspies restrict themselves to dating only other Aspies. People find love with all different kinds of people, and shutting off potential to meet a good mate because of neurological differences without *some* interpersonal contact and thoughtful consideration of the issue seems a little short-sided to me.

      Of course, we all have the individual right to choose whom we date, and whom we partner with (or marry). I’m not going to force the issue, and I know there are Aspies that feel similar to you, and who will not date neurotypicals. But please keep in mind that while there are some similarities between Aspie females, there are also all kinds of differences…hence the common axiom in the autistic community, “If you seen one autistic person, you’ve seen one autistic person”.

      You’re welcome to your opinion but I wanted to respond with some thoughts of my own. Best wishes to you.

      -Nicole

      • I will say a lot of the aspie woman I’ve met and even the last one I dated are very youthful looking and gorgeous. I loved this woman for the 8 months we dated, but in my situation it was hard being with one who still refuses to accept it or get diagnosed. I guess that’s half the battle right? How do you help someone who is soooo stubborn and argues with every breath? Of course it’s not on purpose but now I totally see where drugs and domestic violence are so common. I would even go as far to say she was a sex addict and sex was more of a routine than ever being meaningful. It opened my eyes and now I see why so many try to fit in but struggle with it. I want to help so bad but you can’t save them all and you have to just accept the fact they are who they are.

      • Hello Jonathan: I’m glad you commented again and explained a little bit more of what was behind your first comment. It can be sometimes hard to accept reality, especially when that reality has very negative connotations and one has bought into an idea or an illusion of the self. I have read stories of undiagnosed Aspie men who would not go for an evaluation for Asperger’s even at urging of their life partners. So, I guess it goes both ways.

        The only last thing I will add is that if you really want to help, the best thing I can recommend is to become more educated and informed about autism. You’ve found my blog, which is a good start. There re so many resources out the – some I’ve listed in my bookshelf, but there are tons of others out there. Knowledge is the best weapon to combat ignorance and misunderstanding.

        -Nicole

  6. Hi, I’m 15 almost 16 years old and I was diagnosed with ASD recently. I know, it’s pretty late, considering I was showing really strong traits of it since I was a toddler (like learning to talk, for example, and sensory issues. My mother thought I was deaf). I’ve never had any friends and I freak out whenever I’m touched or hugged by a family member. Sometime’s I just wonder that when I’m older, I’ll never find someone who’ll be patient enough to help me in a relationship. That’s if I ever get to that stage. I’ve been told I shouldn’t worry about it but I do. Girls my age are suppose to be developing better social skills to handle those types of situations, right? I’m just so confused…

  7. It seems you understand plenty with regards
    to this particular issue and it exhibits with this amazing blog post,
    titled “Unique Challenges for the Aspie Woman, Part 2: Functioning
    in a Love Relationship | Woman With Asperger’s”. Thanks -Rafaela

  8. Hi, I am 35 years old and just lost my Fiance to the effects of my undiagnosed Aspergers. I’m heartbroken and I miss him. I love this entry to your blog – it reminds me that yet again all the things that have hurt him are not fault just my wiring and that with the knowledge that I am finding now I may not have hurt him so much. Thank you.

  9. Thank you for posting. I struggle with titles, but I keep reflecting on myself at a very young age, being obsessed with memorizing celebrities’ birthdays, directing my friends versus interacting with them and into adulthood, preferring thought & observation to real connection.

    I battle between thinking & feeling a compliment is right for me, allowing myself to mingle with a potential ‘right’ person and trusting my instinct that I’m just myself in the fact that I’ve never liked intimacy and it’s not a defense.

    More to ponder and this definitely is wonderful food for thought.

  10. Help! I’m diagnosed with ADHD already and do show traits of that, no quibble with that diagnosis. But for many years there was something else going on. I feel like I’m a walking contradiction. I would make rigid plans but they are continually derailed by my ADHD like I’m being pulled in two ways at once. When my ADHD is medicated properly, the Aspie traits pop right up. I’m not pure ADHD nor pure Aspie. I’m going to request a referral but I’m worried I won’t be paid attention to. Not only am I not stereotypical Aspie, I’m a woman and I’m of a minority so worried I won’t get the help I need. My issues with relationships are not like other ADHDers, it’s not because I’m distracted, but I don’t always get stuff. I’ve reluctantly resigned myself to not finding a relationship. I’m not against relationships like some other Aspies but I can’t seem to figure out how they work still at age 33.

  11. Thanks for the sharing your post.
    I have a fresh relationship with a 39 aspie woman (3 months) and a month a go we met our biggest challenge yet: we found out that she is pregnant.
    This wasn’t our plan yet. We are not living together and She is a mother for two girls and a student with a lot of deadline pressure. She didn’t had plans for getting pregnant and even the whole aspect of being in relationship was something she had to cope with. But things were very good between us.
    We decided to keep the pregnancy and we were starting to understand that we are going to have to escalate our relationship into a family, with all that it means. For two weeks things was in control though she became more distant but it seems like every day person would act for this kind of a life change crisis. However – two weeks ago, she (as I understand it) had a serious case of meltdown (or emotional overload) as we spoke about my mothers’ reaction that she’s an aspie (not knowing about her new pregrency!). She got panicked and since than she totally de touched from me, almost as I’m not exists. We met for once but she was very far, though she talked about the near future together, regarding moving together. We don’t speak and merely text. I know I should give her time alone to recover (and she asks for time) but this is going for two weeks now and as I mentioned before – there were two weeks earlier of somewhat distant.
    What should I do ? When is the time to talk with her about it? I know that she’s having trouble with dealing emotions right now, but I don’t know what that it means for the future. As time goes by, we are becoming more and more distant and I’m afraid that it will destroy our love. Not mentioning the baby issue…..
    Hope you can share some of your thoughts with me

    All the best
    Omer

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  12. My names Amanda I’m a 26 year old woman that didn’t get diagnosed until I was 24 years old. My mom and family always new I was different when it came to being affectionate such as hugs and kisses this has always been a challenge for me. I have always been very open and honest and I guess u could say extremely intelligent. My schools recognized that I was different and at the age of 8 I had a 12th grade reading and writing level. I always had a hard time making friends and got picked on my entire life. Being 26 I now have four children two which came out “normal” and the other two like me. My four year old daughter is severely autistic non verbal and my 3 year old son has aspergers. I know 3 sounds to young to be sure with aspergers but he is alot like I was with repetitive behaviors and needing constant routine. I feel sometimes like I was a mistake being born because it seems just living life is a constant challenge I don’t know what people want from me. It seems as if I was born in the right body but with a alien mind in some sense. I see the world in a different view than others and want nothing more than to be able to have a normal life. I want the same fairness that everyone else gets but instead I get treated like I’m weird and find dating extremely hard. Until this past January I was numb in relationships more or less blinded to what love feels like. I met this guy and it was instant. I never have been able to stand the feeling of being hugged and kissed but with him I couldn’t get enough. The feelings that overwhelmed me I have never felt before and to love someone more than I love myself leaves me scared. He doesn’t fully understand me and I can honestly say I don’t fully understand him. I have been lied to and fooled by other men so trusting him when he says he loves me is hard. I need to know what to look for to tell if he really loves me or if he is just saying it to get what he wants from me. That’s another thing that confuses me he’s not like other guys he’s not touchy feely and doesn’t want to have sex all the time. I feel like the tables have turned and I have been made a joke of. For the fact my whole life I haven’t had a orgasm before him because sex was very uncomfortable for me and now only with him I want him to touch me kiss me and hold me. What am I suppose to do. Why do I feel all these feelings now and for someone who don’t seem to feel the same for me? I would do anything to make him happy. This is a big deal for me and even my ex that I had my children with is now upset because through all those years he said I made it so awkward for him to give me a simple kiss and hug and this guy im with now I have no problem with. I don’t know what’s so different about this guy I can’t understand it myself.

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