To be seen, or not to be seen?
I have spent a good percentage of my 36 years of life trying to figure out the answer to this particular question, which has expressed itself as a tug-of-war dialectic in my heart, mind, and soul. And the truth is, some days, I cannot decide which it is that I desire.
I was reminded of this struggle of my own upon reading this post on The Third Glance blog. The author speaks her own childhood growing up with autism and I found some of her account mirroring my own. I’ve quoted some of her post below to illustrate what I mean:
“She knew that if she complained, the consequences would be even scarier at home. When she first told her parents she wasn’t fitting in, she would get ‘talked to’, told she needed to try harder, that she needed to stop using big words, that she was obviously deficient. When that didn’t work, the responses got scarier, so she stopped saying anything…She learned that repeating the big words she heard in books would cause the other students to laugh at her and tease. She learned that no one else cared what happened in her books, or what she had just learned about her favorite things.”
I was reminded of my own childhood and my own struggles. Years before I knew that I was autistic, I knew that I was different. While I’ve said this before, I say it again now because there are people wandering around, like I was, without answers. There are children, teenagers, and adults who struggle with the decision between conformity and difference every day. Some, like the author of Third Glance and me at various points in my own life, choose to become invisible: