UPDATE: Please see this post regarding the old URL, womanwithaspergers.com.
Welcome to Woman With Asperger’s. Who am I? I am a woman who came to understand in early 2010 that I have Asperger Syndrome; hence, I am an “Aspie”. I also recently recieved an official diagnosis of this as well. Come walk on my journey with me through this blog, in which I will try to make sense of what this all means.
Because of this, you will see some information-gathering and articles about various aspects of AS. You will also see my personal thoughts, experiences, and feelings here too. In all of this, I will try to not only communicate and understand my reality, but also reach out to others in my shoes, which means that I will be blogging on topics of interest to Aspies in general, other women with Asperger’s, and Aspies of color. This is because I am convinced that in many ways we are underdiagnosed, underserved, and misunderstood. However, I do want to make clear that this blog is open and welcome to everyone insofar as discussions are concerned, since one of my purposes is to include, not exclude.
Why is the subtitle of this blog “Defying Stereotypes Since 1976″? It’s because the typical idea of an Aspie — at least in the United States from which I live and blog — is a socially awkward, overly nerdy white/Caucasian male. So what to make of a multiracial female with the disorder? You’ll have to keep reading to find out.
So now that you’re here, you have a lot of options. You can read my current blog posts, see a little information about this blog, read a basic description of Asperger Syndrome, find out a little about neurodiversity, check out what I’m reading, or look at the list of resources that I’ve collected along the way. Or you can read some of my Aspie poetry.
Saludos,
Nicole Nicholson, Founder
Woman With Asperger’s
Comments on: "Home" (36)
Hi WWA,
I’m an AMA. Adult Male Aspie.
Although I blog here at WordPress, most of my information is at
http://www.myspace.com/circlecsc
One of these days I’ll set up more stuff on WordPress. Until then …
Looking forward to following you!
Gambeli
Hi Gambeli: Sorry I took so long to comment back! Thank you for link. I’ll be building a blogroll very soon, so maybe we could trade links?
Hello! I was greatly intrigued by your blog, and wanted to leave you a “thumbs up”. I discovered my Aspie nature earlier this year as well. Its great to see more female Aspie bloggers on the web. I look forward to reading your future posts.
btw. I think you are a wonderful writer, and should definatly keep doing so.
Hello everyone,
I am a women of color with AS…that never really fit into “the normal world nor the good ole american famaily”….i was diagnosed in january 2010….this is something we are born with…but people like myself who are in their 20s all they up to 50+”coming out of the woodsworth” due to technology….I know i’m not alone….but I feel alone…Thank god for this site…and others like this one
p.s im 29 yrs old
Hi Kamaria:
Thank you for stopping by! I never fit into the normal world or what you call the good old American family either. In my case, it was exacerbated by growing up in a dysfunctional family. But I digress.
And you are right: more of us are coming out and becoming vocal. The whole point of this site was to reach other to others like myself: women on the spectrum, and esp. women of color on the autism spectrum — but keeping in mind the desire to include and not exclude. I really think there are more women of color on the spectrum, but what escapes me is finding others…I have been racking my brain to try to figure out why we aren’t more vocal and visible, and I’m still not yet sure of the answers. I wil definitely be exploring this in a future post.
Thank you for coming by, Kamaria — and please feel free to pass this site on to anybody else you know on the spectrum. We have to find each other. We have to start somewhere.
-Nicole
Hello,
My name is Suzanne. My 4 yr old daughter was diagnosed w/ ADHD and depression @ 4.
In 1978 Aspergers was not on any book. I watched her be bullied and watched her self -esteem plummet for years. I hung out w/ her more than anyone yet I was a widow w/ not much time. I did notice @ 2 she showed exceptional spacial orientation skills. No talking. I gave her puzzle after puzzle. I would not put her on Ritalin. So, we suffered. Then @ 4 I had her in a private kindergarten. That yr the class had grown a mammoth sunflower. The child who came closest to guessing how many seeds it produced won the seeds. The slips of paper were collected. Most had 200, some had 50 written on them . My girls said 5, 114. They counted and she was exactly right. Freaked out everyone to the point the teachers ask me to ask her how she arrived at the exact amount. I found she had done complex geometry in her head. She had figured out the formula for volume on her own.
To make a long and arduous tale short, I encouraged her intelligence to the point of her being a Junior in High School math when she was only 12. And when I say encouraged-it took very little. She couldn’t get enough problem solving. I knew at some point this girl/w no social skills would either be sleeping at home all her life or have to function within our society. I only suggested she start college at a small community college close by when she was 20. I thought the routine of college might appeal to her sense of need for structure. She became a Mathematics Ph.d and is in such a good routine that she hates to stop work for Holidays. Is now on meds. However, I have not told her that I suspect she has been a victim of Aspergers for her entire life. She is now being diagnosed for all kinds of depression, eating disorders,and she does become suicidal. I have heard many Aspergers children wait forever for a diagnoses.
She is now 36, in a job she loves, has published 6 times and lectured all over the world at math symposiums ,worked w/ NASA for 2 years. She is improving with age! Her manners are coming back! I feel the last few times we’ve talked she’s been away a long time and is back from a place I could not follow. I cried just talking with her. She seemed so normal. I do, however , know better than to trust this time. I hope for improvment yet she could go backwards again so easily. She IS an exceptional math teacher. She amazes me w/ her condition.
So, the question? is. Do I tell her there is finally a reason for all of her suffering. She is doing well and you know these kids. Do not rock their world.
Suzanne Weinstein
Hello Suzanne:
First of all, I have to compliment both you and your daughter — your daughter for her achievements, and you for being there to support here. Back in the day, there wasn’t a label for what I had, as you so well point out — I am 34, close to your daughter’s age, and Asperger’s wasn’t an official diagnosis until I graduated high school in 1994. My mother just assumed that some of my unusual traits — including lack of eye contact — was just par for the course of being a gifted child.
Also, it is wonderful that your daughter has put these talents and abilities to work. If you’ve ever read any of Dr. Temple Grandin’s books, you might remember two important bits of information that she shares: 1) it is important to encourage an Autistic/Aperger’s special interest or talents, so that it becomes a useful skill and turns into a trade, and 2) people with autistic brains have one of three thinking styles — visual, pattern, or verbal logic. Pattern thinking is also called “math and music” thinking, and a good deal of musicians and mathematicians on the spectrum probably have this thinking style. My observation is that the same is true for your daughter.
I’ve never had children, but I can understand what it is like to be concerned for a love one, watch them suffer, and watch them struggle through their difficulties without having a clear answer or way to help them. I can appreciate how you must feel — you hope and you pray for her well-being and happiness. So I can understand you struggling with the “do I tell her” question. But before I answer that, I’ll tell you a little bit about my own realisation about Asperger’s.
I don’t know how much of this blog you’ve read, but to reprise, I suspected about a year ago (last February) that I was on the autism spectrum. This came after a friend of mine began considering that she might have Asperger’s, and when I read the list of autism/Aspie traits that she posted in a note on Facebook, I realised that a good two-thirds of them fit me. At first I dismissed mine as being a result of the physical/emotional/sexual abuse I endured growing up, and the resulting trauma. However, I thought twice and began exploring the possibility that I might have Asperger’s — and I’m glad I did. I looked at some of the traits I had that my mother documents from before the trauma began — early verbal abilities (some on the spectrum begin talking early and those children can be called “little professors” because their speech is unusually fluent and correct for their ages), lack of eye contact, extreme special interests, and so forth. I also remembered how I always felt out of place and different…social interactions were always a script to me, and I just *knew* at any moment that someone would figure out that I was faking it the whole time. I began writing to explore these feelings along with my research on women and Asperger’s syndrome, and along with the support of my fiance and my counselor, obtained an official diagnosis this past October.
As I was exploring this, I concluded that being autistic or having Asperger’s was just a difference — that I wasn’t “broken” or any more “flawed” that anyone else on the planet is, just different. So this led to the idea of informed self-acceptance — accepting myself as I was, reveling in my strengths, but having my eyes open about the challenges that come with being autistic or having Asperger’s. I think self-acceptance has made my journey a great deal easier. So I don’t really look at myself as a victim of Asperger’s, nor a victim of anything (except perhaps childhood abuse, but I am working through that as well).
Now, to your question. Your daughter is a very intelligent person, and I do understand your concern about rocking her world. However, I think it would be a good idea to at least share your concern with her, and if so, in person. Of course, you will have to choose your words carefully. If you chose to tell her, she must understand that this is simply a state of being — that this is a difference. The way I see it, the pain and suffering comes from being one way in a world that is another — that happens with *anyone* who is different.
The tricky part will be the self-esteem issue, of course. As I’m sure you have done already, remind her of the victories and accomplishments she has already acheived. The way I see it, Asperger’s is a reason for her phenomenal gifts and talents.
And do encourage her to lean on her support system — you, her counselors, and anyone else close to her that she can trust. As she processes this and figures this out, she will need all the support she can get. I know that receiving my diagnosis was a relief and helped me put my life — and myself — into perspective.
My prayers are with you and your daughter. Please feel free to pass on my blog to her, and/or let me know what develops.
Saludos,
Nicole
Suzanne, that was amazing.
So sorry-LOL-diagnosed when 4 years old. @ 4 yr’s old
Her Momma
My oldest daughter & I have concluded that as we age, the Asperger’s diminishes. It could be hormones, it could be the experience of living. Not that we are just like everyone else. We do hold ourselves back a bit, a bit reserved, perhaps because of the experience of rejection in our younger years. We are also political liberals. We identify with those who have little or no say in the management of their lives. We also have above average intellegence. We are able to look at the broader picture.
Does the Asperger’s prevent our maturing at the normal rate? It doesn’t affect the physical maturing of the body, but as children we are too innocent, to ready to believe in anything someone might tell us. In today’s world, an autistic child is easier prey for molesters than “normal” children. So we parents have to be on guard and in cases where security is limited, we need to say no. We need to say no more than our parents and grandparents did. My autistic granddaughter whose daughter also suffers from autism believes that the schoolyard society”is harder on her daughter than it was for her. My great-granddaughter does have one thing going for her, and that is her ability to draw. It does impress the other kids.
HI Marian:
Sorry I have been out of the discussion — real life issues have impacted my ability to respond to comments properly.
I will say that as I got older, certain Aspergian tendencies decreased or were mitigated somehow. If you had seen me 20 years ago, you would have been probably able to better pick out that I was on the spectrum. I was 14 then, and would frequently “geek out” by talking extensively about my special interests (always outside the house and to those who were willing to listen — I *never* did this at home due to disapproval from my aunt); I was also less adept at reading facial expressions, tone of voice, and would tend to take people literally much more often.
Also, I had a gait that was stiffer than usual. Part of that may have been due to the fact that I had Lyme disease at age ten, and I literally had to relearn how to walk. Some of that was due to Asperger’s, however. I had problems with coordination when I was younger and my mother has mentioned that I would run with one arm extended, hand in a fist, up until about age three or four. I suspect I did this to keep my balance, although my memory on that is a bit fuzzy.
My brain works both like a camera and a databank. I have had to learn a lot about reading people throughout my lifetime, and all that information is stored in my “databank”. I have to literally remember the signs of how to tell is someone is lying, for example. Only recently has this turned into any sort of intuition, and sometimes I still get it wrong.
-Nicole
Namaste. After much research I have realized that all along I likely am undiagnosed Asperger’s. I am 44. I am blessed with twins who are a bit over three years old who both are clearly ASD and undergoing formal evals for DX. I very much would like to find a good support system online for adults with Asperger’s .. especially those with children within the ASD Spectrum.
Hi Elizabeth:
Thank you for stopping by.
I know that the focus of this blog was geared mostly for Aspergian adults, and not too much attention being paid to children on the spectrum. My rationale for this was that as I write, I am dealing with issues that affect me as an adult Aspergian woman right now. I’m childfree by choice, so I can’t really speak to any good support systems I’ve encountered for Aspie parents with ASD children. I will suggest that you give Autism Women’s Network a try (http://www.autismwomensnetwork.org/). I am a member myself and I do know that some of the membership are ASD adults with ASD children, so you might want to start there.
Thank you again, and I wish you the best on your journey.
-Nicole
I stumbled upon this blog randomly, looking for anything to help bolster me in the effort to be a self-employed artist/entrepreneur. I was diagnosed with high functioning Autism at 32, last year, and it has been such a relief. I have struggled with trying to “fake” a “normal” career, trying to do things I was expected to do, and now as a mother things I need to do. Understanding Asperger’s and Autism and realizing how broad an impact it has had upon my family (I strongly suspect my mother, uncle and grandfather at the very least are/were undiagnosed aspies/auties) has helped me to embrace my “quirks”, try and find ways to anticipate and move away from my weaknesses and push my strengths as far as I can – and while it’s not easy I’ve never felt more alive.
I can’t wait to read more of your blog.. and maybe get up the nerve to start my own! Thanks…
Hi Lisa:
Thanks for stopping by. I am sorry it’s taken so long to respond to your comments, but I am snatching up some free time right now to do so. I’m a writer and poet myself, and also have the same desire to be a self-employed artist. I really do feel it is possible, but I think success partially depends on the mechanics of planning, finding your audience, and then selling your work to them. Right now, I do work a day job, but I eventually plan to go on my own as a freelance writer, some way, some how.
I’ve also gone through processing my experience, understanding my quirks, and accepting myself in light of other family members on the spectrum. My late father showed strong Aspergian traits as well as one of my aunts and two of my half-sisters. I don’t have much connection with my father’s family, and even if I did, I am not sure I would feel comfortable with broaching the subject with them — not because I am ashamed of Asperger’s (I’m not), but due to concerns about the misconceptions and misunderstandings surrounding autism itself. I don’t even know if anyone else in my family was ever diagnosed, so that adds a layer of complication.
I’m glad that you are having success on your own journey of self-awareness and understanding. Please stop by anytime. Though the blog is officially on hiatus until September, I will be monitoring comments and maintaining the blog in general. Thank you again for stopping by WWA.
Saludos,
Nicole
This was novel. I wish I could read every post, but i have to go back to work now… But I’ll return.
HI Tess:
Thanks for stopping by. I’m glad you liked what you’ve seen so far and encourage you to stop by again to read more. Although WWA is officially on hiatus until September, I’ll be monitoring comments and perhaps posting now and again, so feel free to drop by.
-Nicole
I thought I had written that and no one responded.LOL-I checked today on an off chance and I am so happy to find you all did respond. Thank you so much.
I too have noticed that at 36 she seems to be growing out of it. Her ability to feel gratitude is there finally! It’s like watching a 40 year old suddenly grow up? So, it is useful to know that others experience a lessening of symptoms as they grow older also. Thank you for telling me. What a relief for you two, also.
As the child left alone on the playground you are right. These children are more easily fooled, and victimized by others. I was a hyper-vigilant mother. She came home for lunch everyday in Elementary school. I moved my business home when she was 12 and no longer young enough to leave in after school programs.
I made plenty of mistakes out of misunderstanding what she had-I knew she had something going on- in those years they blamed the mother for everything! I was afraid to talk about it but always sent her to therapy from a child into adulthood. She goes now because she has told me she likes it so much. Self-reflection is such a good part of her life and it does help her cope. I will not tell her until we see each other this summer. Can anyone suggest any books that may help me broach this topic w/ her. A few years ago I wouldn’t have contemplated trying to inform her.Her last 2 years of stability have heartened me. She IS very bright. She has been published 6 times and worked w/ NASA. She would possiblably
be more open to a book. It is best if the information does not come from me. If your a parent and have been and had the patience of a saint your easily invalidated with this girl.
My intention was to raise an adult who could cope with this world-Being Sane in an Insane Society is No indication of Mental Health-Daniel Eggers. I lived by that and taught her to also I hope. I will check in more often. We all need a place to share and this world is NOT the most compassionate place right now. Once again, I thank you all for your input and would love to hear your experiences as parents and as children growing up with this condition.also. A good dialogue is important for this I believe. Suzanne Weinstein
Hi Suzanne:
Thanks for stopping by again. I’d probably suggest either “Pretending to Be Normal” by Liane Holliday Willey (that’s the book I first read in my search to determine whether I had Asperger’s) or “Aspergirls” by Rudy Simone. The first book I can personally vouch for — one of its major strengths is that it’s an autobiography in which Holliday Willey talks about her life, how her Aspergian traits were present throughout her childhood, teen years, and young adulthood, and some of the difficulties she has encountered. She is now a parent of two daughters, one of which I believe also has Asperger’s, and she includes this experience in the book. The second — Aspergirls — I have not actually read but others I’ve encountered in the Aspie community recommend it highly for girls and young women who might be or are on the spectrum. Best wishes to you, and I hope everything works out.
-Nicole
Hi,
Elizabeth, What does ASD stand for? Is it an dissociative disorder. I am not familiar with all the abbreviations yet. After years of reading I could be. New ones keep popping up & my research on this end ended about 11 years ago.
I hear so much pain and still much joy and perseverance from you all. I viewed this condition as I would a bed wetters. Would I get angry at a child who wet her bed. Of course not. It would be cruel. I too think I cried as much as she did or more about her ” little friends” at elementary school. Kids are cruel…..We did meet a kind one however. Later-another day.
Suzanne
Hello anyone W/ ASD or researching it,
The past few months have weighed on my Asp. daughter. She moved in w/ her BF. Then realized how much he drank. Unfortunately too much for her to be around. He had her served w/ eviction papers 2 weeks ago . It is the end of the college semester and she is struggling to grade all her papers. If she does not take her Aderol(sp?) it can take her all week to do this. If she takes it she will be done this week-end. Big difference. It took years to get her on the corrcet med’s..
Then she has to hurry up and move. She is extremely stressed and I am fearful of how she will be able to handle all this. She does not confide in me. Well, yes, she did call about her BF’s alcoholism. That is improvement. 3 years ago she would not have told me she had made a mistake. She is a bit of a perfectionist. Her father was a musician. I am an artist. Oh my I’m thinking-she had no chance with us as parents. I need to stop feeling responsible for her ASD. I have suffered the guilt of her ” Being so different” for too long. She has made a good life for herself. I pray she can handle the nxt few weeks without a meltdown. Academia is no cake walk either. If she can handle sitting on 5 different college boards-My suggestion was to sit in on as many as she could handle for social skills w/ her peers in the present. My fingers are crossed for her.
This is a heartbreaking dysfunction to watch for a parent. Although, she did not have drawing skills to impress the other kids she was smarter than the rest and used that for acceptance. She got none. One of her grade school “friends” got in touch with her a month ago. It was to ask her to write a recommendation for a job application. Her Ph.d looks impressive as a reference on any job application. This girl was one of the worst and most uncompassionate kids we dealt with. Refused to even let T. come to Birthday parties of classmates. Siting that she would not come if T. was even invited. She was a malicious kid, now asking for favor’s? Do those kid’s think she has forgotten. She has a memory like an elephant. I asked her if she was going to do it. Write the referral. When younger she tried so hard to please these nasty little beggars that she would do anything for them to be accepted. She told me ” No, let her go get her own degree. She was horrid to me.” I was so happy to hear her say that. No longer willing to waste her time trying to gain acceptance from the kids that she once took so much grief from. It sounds mean I know. If you knew what that particular child put her through when young you’d feel good about it too.
I told her when she was a little girl-someday you will inherit the status and the geeks will rule. It seems to have happened! Suzanne/mother of an ASD adult.
Hi Suzanne:
It sounds to me that your daughter had a similar experience that I did growing up. People would use me, and I’d have no clue that they were even doing it. Other schoolmates would make fun of me, and I’d have no clue as to what the meaning of what they said was until hours or even days later — and then I would feel stupid for not figuring it out sooner. I once had a cousin who informed me that people were making fun of me behind my back. On the one hand, I didn’t actually perceive that these individuals were doing this; but on the other, as I reflect I realize that part of the reason he said this was to add to my family’s pressure for me to “act normal” and so I have not only mixed feelings towards the information but I am also angry at him as well. And it’s been nearly twenty years.
I’ve learned over the years, partially by trial and error and partially due to help from my fiance, how to understand when someone has impure intentions towards me: i.e. if they are seeking to use me, etc. I said earlier that partially, what I have learned goes into the “databank” in my brain and I pull up this information to help size up what’s going on, so maybe some of it is becoming intuitive — but sometimes I still get it wrong. And I will tell you also that I had a natural inclination to please, which I’ve been struggling to dispense with for the last several years and which has led to me repeatedly trying to help people who have hurt me, even to the point of my own detriment.
I had a strong need for acceptance, and I am trying my best to GET RID of it. It sounds like your daughter is the same way. Kudos to her for resisting the predatory “friend”. Best wishes on hers and your Journey.
-Nicole
It never ends, does it! Problems are a part of today’s world and we try to help our kids deal with them as much as we can. Sometimes they ask for our help, sometimes they don’t. If they tell us what is going on with their lives, we can offer support and advice. But it is up to them if they take our advice. Also sometimes they don’t tell us the whole story. We are left to guess and it is easy to jump to the wrong conclusions. Yet to remain silent can give the impression that we can’t be bothered. If the kid comes to us in tears, we can offer comfort and consolation. But sometimes we need to let them know when we, too, are not sure of what to do. We can also let them know (even if not in the exact words) that whatever they do, we are there for them. That as long as we are around they can “Go home again.”
HI Marian:
Thank you for stopping by. I am totally in agreement with your assessment. Each ASD adult must handle life and his/her struggles in his/her own way. I have never been a parent, and never will be, and I admit that I don’t have the benefit of that perspective — but I can understand how difficult it is to watch a loved one struggle. Your voice is always welcome here — the wisdom of an ASD parent is beneficial, I think.
-Nicole
Hi ,
Thank you Marian for your in-put. As I feared w/ all the pressure my Asp. daughter is back to her old self. Not so great. I am so disappointed since the last couple of years she was seemingly much better. Mothers Day was the most painful day for me this year. No card. No phone call. Then a phone call on Monday. The morning after Mothers Day. She called to tell me she had flown in her GF from Seattle to party with in Charleston for the week-end. I was silent. Hurt. disillusioned and my heart felt like breaking in my chest. Informed me about what a wonderful time she had. We have not seen each other in 4 years now. I did not mention MD and either did she. She had read on FB that my older Chihuahua had had a heart attack. The vet asked me to put him on some meds and IF he pulled through he had a chance of living another 2 years, but the drugs would take 10 days to work. I was on the 5th day of nursing him back. When I told her she quickly said ” put him to sleep as fast as possible.” I was horrified at her lack of compassion. Why/ I don’t know-she is not a compassionate person . Not cruel either. Just doesn’t think like everyone else. Did not know that one never dictates a solution to a situation you have no knowledge about. Yet, there it was. She did not say a word about Mothers Day. I simply stated that it was probably not a good time for us to be talking and hung up.
I suppose this does not end. She is now an adult who is still trying to ‘fake’ normality. She is a good actress most of the time. My friends dislike her . They hate to watch her treat me like a used tissue and she does at times. How much can I continue to forgive and be understanding about. I have to pull away
for my own sanity and to heal my own wounds at times. We have not spoken since that week end in May.
I am once again at a loss. Some of her hurtful behavior is directed right at me. We have had long periods of no communication in the past.. Two full years I could not even take a phone call from her. She will hurt me that badly. This is where I become confused. I feel I put 26 years of patience and love into this child and now that she is an adult we have very little to say when she is like this. I keep my mouth shut and just let her go. We are drifting apart from lack of communication and I cannot stop it. I do not know her anymore. She is my only child so I am left feeling so alone when this happens-it has happened quite a bit over the years since she left home. I keep telling myself it is her way to be like this. She does not understand the consequences of this behavior. I will leave her life to avoid any more pain. After 36 years I am tired. Tired and confused by her lack of interest in anything except herself.
I wish I could be as patient and loving as I was when she was a child yet it has gone on too long for me to stick around and be wounded by the very person I have worked so hard for. Am I angry, Yes I am. I am more heartbroken than anything else however. As the years pass without her around I am pulling away also.
Has anyone else gone through this with an Aspergers adult child. Everyone keeps telling me to forgive and remember her condition yet the pain she inflicts can make that so difficult for me. It is horrid having a daughter I do not like. I love her and will always be here for her. From a distance for now. This is a see-saw of emotion I cannot take as I age. I am disabled from Scleroderma myself. This makes me physically ill. Her behavior is too much at times for a disabled mother to take. I will get sick from this kind of interaction with her so I just go away. Leave her alone until I get an hysterical phone call about something, and yes, there will be one. It could be a few months or a few years. She cannot apologize. Never has and I do not expect her to this time either. Once again I am at a lost as to what to even begin to say. So, I say nothing and it is getting old. Most people do leave her after a while. I have fought so hard not to abandon this girl-and now I must. When will this end. Most likely after I am gone.
Another heartbroken parent,
Suzanne
Hi Suzanne:
I must admit that your last comment presents some difficulty for me. Since this blog is primarily geared towards Aspergian adults — Aspergian females primarily — as its audience, I really do not know what to say in response that would be appropriate. Without knowing your daughter and the situation better, I am in no position to comment much about what you’ve said, and I do have my concerns about where this discussion thread could lead.
There’s a saying in the autistic community: “if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person.” Thus, I can only tell you about myself and my own life experiences, and the same is true for other Aspies who comment here. I know that I went through an extended period of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse as a teenager. Also, I experience alienation resulting from my father’s refusal to allow me to socialize with other children as well as the fact that we moved about six or seven times before I was twelve years old (we were only in each place for maybe a year or two — not enough time to really put down roots or make proper friendships). So, my experience as an Aspergian child, teenager, and then young woman will be quite markedly different from either your daughter’s or anyone else’s who visits this blog. Nevertheless, I blog to try to reach out and find these threads of commonality in the Aspergian universe that I firmly know and believe exist. And yet because of my past pain, I cannot be objective when it comes to your daughter and your experiences…especially because I have exhibited the same behavior. Additionally, any other relationship complexities between you two may add to the situation — she may have her reasons for communicating with you or nor communicating with you, as you do with hers.
Also, you have to ask yourself about outside influence. How much have your friends influenced you about how you see your daughter? I feel this is a valid question because I pull from my own experience growing up — my aunt attempted to poison my mother’s view of me and then at the same time poison my viewpoint of her. This was the same aunt who physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me and who had her own jealousy issues because she really wanted a daughter and she ended up with two sons instead (i.e. she basically “took over” and tried to raise me herself). I don’t know much about your friends, but they could have their own viewpoints and prejudices. It’s just a thought.
You are right that your daughter’s stress may have caused her recent behavior, but beyond that I’m not sure what else to say. I know stress has affected my ability to relate, interact socially according to the current paradigm, and others. Also, I know stress affects my ability to show empathy — when I am overwhelmed unfortunately I tend to cut off both emotional external stimuli as well as my own feelings. I know this presents difficulty for those around me that love me, but at the same time I understand that it’s probably a maladaptive mechanism and that I could cope with things better. At the same time, I am also trying not to allow myself to feel guilt or to judge myself too harshly — that would only complicate matters and undo all the work I’ve done for myself already. In other words, guilt gets in the way of learning. But that has been my experience. She needs to decide what her goals and priorities are, and ultimately, these decisions are her own.
In closing, the best things I can recommend for you at this point are a) you need to make a decision about your involvement with your daughter’s life, b) if you do not already see a counselor, I’d strongly recommend finding one (this person should serve as an impartial third party and may help you put your daughter’s behavior into perspective — I’d recommend someone who has some experience with autism and autistic adults), and c) I would strongly suggest finding a support group/online community/etc. for parents of ASD children. Unfortunately, this blog is mostly targeted to ASD adults and so I really feel that you would be better served by a different venue or forum. However, you are still free to come back and comment any time as long as you are cognizant of this blog’s audience.
I can only wish the best for you and your daughter and hope that it all works out, whatever that may mean for each of you.
-Nicole
Suzanne …. your daughter needs your empathy, understanding, acceptance and unconditional love, period! As you rightly pointed out, your ASD daughter has been abandoned, over and over again …. and now you want to join that club? Many (most) ASD people feel unloved and unwanted, even by their own kin. Maybe what they feel is correct. Maybe a child is better off without a mother who cannot (or will not) accept them. A mother, on the other hand, can never be better off without her children, no matter what their condition.
Hello Linda:
I think you vocalized well what I and probably a lot of others who visited this page and read Suzanne’s last comment must be thinking. I must admit, I attempted to respond more diplomatically at the time. I will say, though, that you are correct…many of us in that position do need empathy, understanding, love, and acceptance. I can certainly relate to the abandonment, as I’ve experienced that in my own life. That is why I had trouble responding.
I also had trouble responding because in the end, WWA is a place for and is geared towards adults, especially adult women, on the spectrum. While I have not up until this point excluded NT’s and NT parents, what I do basically ask for is mutual respect of viewpoints along with an understanding of who this blog and space is for. We have difficulty trying to understand ourselves and figure out our places in this world (to quote Michael W. Smith), and what that post reminded me of is the expectations that NT parents and relatives sometimes place on us…which was very troubling. In the end, we have to blaze our own paths but I would encourage any NT parent to, as Marian put it, be there to help and support when needed to asked for.
I recognise that NT parents of ASD offspring may have their own issues and difficulties, but truthfully, WWA is not the place to discuss these issues. This blog, again, is geared towards individuals on the spectrum, especially adults and most especially adult women. I would encourage any NT parents of ASD offspring with such issues to seek out other areas of support. Coming here and airing these issues will only make it seem to some, if not many of the readers, that we are being asked to feel guilty for being what we are….and that would certainly be contrary to one of the whole purposes of WWA and spaces like it, which is to support neurodiversity and self-acceptance by autistic individuals.
Linda, thank you again for adding to the discussion.
Cheers,
Nicole
Hi. I picked up an aspie book at Borders a few days ago. I fit so many of the physical description and the extra description for women is right on. I’m 35not and was diagnosed with ADD at age 7. Prescribed Ritalin. Along with a few other things till I was 9. I was in and out of counselors offices and had a brain scan done. Above average intelligence and normal physical. They didn’t know why I did so bad in school. Or had soo many habits. Pacing and swaying I still have. I mimic all the time. I’m not even aware of it most of the time
I used to say there is something wrong with me. When I’m confident nothing is too big. But one hurtful word can cause me to hide. Then I second guess all the time. I will have multiple scenarios of how a conversation can go. I have great instincts but when i get criticism on them I argue then I get told I’m wrong for defending myself. That leads to another conversation to add. So I allways thought I was just nuts. But just knowing there are others that think and feel the same is wonderful. As to why more women are still not vocal about it I I have a great theory. We are placed in boxes and lables. When we don’t fit the description the labelers get pissed and hurtful. I tried to share some of what I learned about myself and that was the reaction. I forgot to mention I’m in the Navy with mostly male coworkers. I have survived for 13the years. I have never fit in. But I craved structure. Boy did I pick the wrong job. Lol. But I never look at myself as a victim. I am my own savior. As I believe we all are. Anyway thanks for listening. Apologies for any repeats.
Michelle
Hello Michelle:
Thank you for stopping by and commenting. I’m sorry I didn’t respond sooner — RL has kept me very busy for the last couple of months.
Anyhow, thank you also for sharing your story. I’m not surprised that you were misdiagnosed with ADD. I’m also 35 and I know that 1) Asperger’s was not an official diagnosis until 1994, the year I graduated high school, and 2) even back then, the public perception was that autism spectrum disorders were conditions that mostly affected males. This perception is slowly changing, but we have a long way to go. As for me, I did pretty well in school insofar as academics are concerned. As for my strange behavior, until I was 12 my mother simply just thought it was par for the course of having a gifted child. I didn’t stim much, but I had trouble understanding and relating to other children — I was always either the weird loner or the nerd that everyone picked on. Believe me, I saw my share of school counselors, psychiatrists, etc.
I can also relate to what you say about being hurt easily, second guessing, trying to psych things out, and so forth. I know it is a great thing to find out that one is not alone in what one feels and experiences. I think the Internet has provided a great opportunity for more of us to find each other and understand who and what we are.
You have an interesting point of view as to why many of us don’t speak more about it. Unfortunately, it is within human nature to try to label people, and I think also to fear what is different…so that fear/paranoia/etc. by others causes them to target whoever is different…so the perceived idea is to “fit in” for group acceptance…safety in number and all that stuff. Problem is, there is a tension between our true selves and what the larger group would like or expect us to be, and in hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution since we were created and became sentient beings nothing much has changed. I do consider myself fortunate that I’ve mostly had a positive reaction to “coming out Aspie” — either that or I find myself explaining what it is. But it is my sincere hope that things do change and that there will be greater understanding and acceptance.
You also raise an interesting point of not looking at yourself as a victim. I fight that mentality a great deal within myself. Yes, there were times in my life I was victimised….but that was then, and this is now. Yes, maybe we are a bit more vulnerable and yes, more likely to be targets of bullying/etc. I have found in my life that with a good support system and a willingness to learn and use one’s free will to determine what one will stand and not stand for, the battle is a little less difficulty.
Best wishes to you, Michelle.
-Nicole
Suzanne,
If u read this I can tell u the best advice ever. Sinceto I have been in similar situations. All you need or can be expected to do for your daughter is accept her, love her and be truthful. She has her own path to experiance.
Michelle
Hi.
Thank you for replying. Since I wrote that I have seen and read more positive and negative opinions on Aspie’s. What concerns me most is the relentless need for control by others to have over others. And “normal” people wanting to take this way of thinking and assume it is only negative. To make “war” on it. Saying it is a disease or something to be “cured/fixed/eradicated” Making that an excuse to DNA profile children with the intent to find the genetic code and remove it. Will only lead to taking away more constitutional rights and liberties. The result we will get separated and victimized the government will say the age old “what if”, no fact, and allow it. I know I’m being powerfully passionate about this but Germany and other non democracy countries have done this before. Always with disastrous results. So my goal is to become a psychologist specializing child development. And AS/Autism. For the positive more parents are looking to a more loving and less polluted life style. As more Aspie’s are being born the socializing is getting easier for them. Which will help them to not go through as much as we went through. This is great. Also there is less autistic ways to display. So they are still different and free thinking but more tell tale characteristics are phasing out more. Anyway this is a great blog and hope to continue trading stories.
Hi Michelle:
Thank you again for stopping by, and your compliment.
Your mention of the idea of “curing” or “eradicating” brings to mind something that another Aspie shared with me about a month ago. In a presentation he made at his church, he pointed out that Dr. Hans Asperger had begun doing his research due to the threat that the Nazi regime posed to people like the boys he studied with their eugenics ideas and practices. He thought that he saw some valuable strengths in these young boys and did not want them — or people like them — to be sterilized and killed in the Nazi’s quest to purge supposed genetic imperfects and to produce a “pure Arayan race”. And as you point out, this kind of thinking is neither new nor confined to Germany — some careful research will reveal the existence of eugenics programs in the United States in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. And you are correct — the results are always disastrous.
I keep making parallels between the Aspie/Autie community and the mutants of the X-Men universe for several reasons: a) the fear of what is “difference”, b) the threat of curtailing or removing civil liberties, and c) the calls for a “cure”. Also, in both cases, the supposed “flaw” reveals unique strengths and gifts which are beneficial to mankind.
I pray that you realise your goal. We need more people who are willing to help…whether we can only blog about experiences, or whether they choose to pursue a career in relevant fields as you are doing, whether they chose to be “out” and communicate the positive side of Asperger’s and autism, or promote tolerance, or fight to end bullying…you get the picture. I certainly look forward to seeing you here again.
-Nicole
Hi! Thanks so much for updating my blogroll link to your new site, I appreciate it! AND, You made me realize that maybe people really do come across my blog sometimes. I should probably start writing on it again. Thanks so much for writing, please keep it up. I enjoy it, appreciate it, and look for hope in every corner.
Hello Daleth:
You’re welcome. I had actually seen your site come up as a referrer in my stats and I’m trying to play catch up to let everyone know who linked to me about this. That’s the wonderful thing about the Interwebs — the interconnection.
See you soon,
Nicole
Hello,
I think what you are doing is amazing!!!
I’m glad that you are helping people!!!
Is it common with AS to not be able to talk with the opposite sex (sorry I’m female)? I can’t even talk to my lecturers properly – its really annoying!! I can’t look at boys either. Girls – I have no problem with – older men in their 50s – no problem!! Or little boys under the age of 15 anything I between just unnerves me!!!
Good luck with everything!!!